Often times between patients, I have this lull of about
45 minutes or so, which of course gives me time to ruminate on things. Because
of a conversation last night I was pondering the old question, “Can men and
women just be friends?” The obvious answer is nes. I mean yo. I think you know
exactly what I mean. Sure, we can be friends with the opposite sex. And sure,
sometimes we can even be really good friends with the opposite sex. But, after last
night’s conversation, I realized what we are really asking is, “Can two people
be friends if there is attraction between them?” This means can two gay dudes
just be friends, a straight dude and a lesbian, a lesbian and a straight woman.
You get the picture. The question is when you open the doors of deeper affection,
can pure friendship still exist?
And I would say, yes, with certain parameters. And that
is where this particular post is headed. You see, I have three couples in my
life where I am better friends with the wife than I am with the husband.
However, I have grown up in church long enough, and have just observed couples
long enough to realize that just isn’t the best thing. So, I have had to adapt
my relationships with each couple. So, what follows is how I changed my
approach to these three couples in order to bless and affirm their union, while
all three of us know that I happen to know the wife better.
I’ll start with the newest of the three couples: John and Sheridan.
First, these two are just amazing. They are probably the most potent punch of
leadership, education, beauty and compassion walking the earth. I met them somewhere
between 2006 and 2010. I think we saw and acknowledged each other from afar for
about a year. Met in some random class, I believe “Job and Human Suffering”
with Dr. Butler. (P.S. have any of you gotten a graded copy of a single paper
from that class yet? I still haven’t and we’re honing in on 2014!) Then, we
experienced Job’s suffering in Systematic Theology 3 together…coincidentally,
the only class in my entire education career that defeated me and made me cry.
Like literal tears. Ask me about it sometime. Fun story.
John and Sheridan |
So, here’s the story with John and Sheridan. I came to
know them pretty much together. Sheridan and I just simply had more time
together through classes. John, I believe took a break for a little while, and
also, had different classes. Sheridan and I just ended up in class after class
together, usually randomly sitting next to each other something like 3 quarters
in a row. So, this was simply a matter of time. However, I found out the two of
them were moving to Atlanta and thought, “Cool. Let me help you move.” And my
gut said, “Talk to John.” So, that is where I started. And what was plain and
simple to me was this: my wanting to love on this couple needed to be done in a
way that said, “John…I know Sheridan is your wife. I am serving you as well as
her and that bun in the oven. So, man…you and I don’t know each other all that
well, but I extend my hand to you. Cool?”
Scott and Ashley |
Desi and Cody |
And that was basically it. In this particular
relationship, anytime I want to share something with Sheridan the email or the
text is sent to both. I think it would be fine to just text either of them, but
I would rather be so above board that there is no reason to question anything.
It is simply honoring John, and by proxy honoring Sheridan and now their little
boy.
The other two couples I went to college with the wife. In
one case I have come to know the husband reasonably well, but not so much in
the other. Cody and Desi Caraway started dating the summer I moved to SoCal and
got married shortly after. I came back and did music for the wedding even.
Scott and Ashley Phillips started dating in SoCal before I got there, and got
married shortly after. I did music in their wedding. (Seems to be a running
theme!)
Quick side notes on these couples: Desi and Cody are
stalwarts. They stand strong in the midst of adversity. They love each other
and their baby girl so well. They really are just a good strong people. Scott
and Ashley are just…amazing. I really can’t think of an adjective better. They
are talented. They have vision. They make things happen that seem impossible.
So, here is the deal. Scott and Cody both know that I am
better friends in their wives. Living in Southern California afforded me the
chance to get to know Scott. Scott and Ashley’s awesome crew of friends made
that even easier since they invited me into many different gatherings. Scott is
also one of the most secure individuals I know. He and Ashley really helped me
navigate these waters early on. Scott was quite grace-filled. Just like with
John and Sheridan, I always initiated with both Scott and Ashley…well, maybe
not at the very first. When I moved to SoCal, I hit a big slump and Ashley was
my only friend. So we had a couple of outings with just us. And I thank both
Scott and Ashley for letting that happen. Scott knew and understood things. I
think once we even had a conversation about how it worked with me being such
good friends with Ashley. But the point of the whole thing was just honesty
with Scott and developing a relationship with him. That was the key in this
case. I needed Scott to know, “Hey man…I am for you. I want to support you in
this relationship too. K? Cool.”
Which leads to Cody and Desi. I don’t know Cody that
well, but from what little I do know, I trust he is a lot like Scott. He is confident,
and trusts Desi. However, he and I just never had time to build what Scott and
I did. And in this case, I had to learn to radically adapt. Desi and I still
send a random text maybe every month or so, maybe two months…but it nearly
always includes other friends. The way I have learned to respect Cody and
support him is to act in a way that is completely above reproach. Leah or Scott
or Mark or Josh have the same text I sent Desi. And so far, I think that works.
And if it doesn’t Cody…just tell me!
I know this may seem like dribble and kind of useless
processing, but what I realized is that it is a way for me to live out love. I
love all six of these kids. They are amazing. But, just because I am better
friends with the ladies, does not mean that I have a right to continue on as
things were. It means that though my life is the same, the way I go about
relationship changes. It is how I support them together. And though it seems
like I overkill, I look at divorce rates and say, “Not really.” So many things
happen in the course of any relationship, romantic or not. In cases where
things can be misunderstood, we have to be supporters of the relationship that
at the end of the day matters most. Of course, as Christians we would say God
first, but a close second is the spouse. And that is what I want to be about…helping
strengthen those I love in order to thrive.
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