Some of Betsy's Thoughts

Seriously 4:45am is way early.

First of all, let me say that I am excited to be posting on the blog!  I’ve had a few thoughts swirling around and am eager to share them.

James and I have a different relationship than most people. Whether that is good, bad, or otherwise is yet to be determined, haha. I would say it works for us. We don’t have a formula or magic recipe that we follow and what works for us may not translate to other relationships. We also haven’t figured everything out…but what we do well, we do well.

When I was brainstorming what to write, I was thinking about the move. Loading up the truck, driving for days across the country, early mornings/late nights, unloading the truck, and unpacking all the boxes…any one of these things can be stressful and for me, stress exacerbates snarkiness. In thinking about the move, I was shocked and surprised that we didn’t have a fight or moments of intense snarkiness. In reflecting on what worked while moving, I realized we had hit a growth point. We reached a deeper understanding or point of connection.

We have grown a lot since a long January weekend.

Let me explain. Early on in our relationship, we would miss each other. I’m not talking about longing or hoping to be next to each other…I’m talking about completely missing the cues of the other. We would miss sacrifices that were made, invitations to explore deeper emotions/values, or expressions of affection. In thinking about the move, I realized that James and I have come to a place where we recognize the sacrifices of the other, more than our own. Everything about the move was far from sunshine and roses, but it was a lot more challenging to be frustrated or annoyed by the small things when I saw how James was working to support us. My agenda melted because I was able to recognize things in James, evaluate what to correct and what to accept, and how to promote the relationship rather than hurt it. Point blank, some things don’t matter. What does matter is my relationship with James. The move was less stressful and more enjoyable because we were able to focus on the other and our relationship. I was looking for ways in which James was working to support me and help out rather than pointing out how his ways were different than mine (note: I was successful at this most of the time. I mean, we’re all human,right? ;) )

FYI...Northern Arizona is desolate beauty at its best.

Granted some of this may be positive emotions because we are days away from our wedding, but I think there is still something valid in what I’m about to write. Being that I am an older bride, I have had the gift (though it didn’t always feel like that) to watch and observe a lot of relationships. My practice of being a marriage and family therapist has also taught me a lot. I’ve learned what not to do and what helps make a marriage strong. There is something to be said for appreciating something that you’ve waited for and hoped for. Frustration, annoyance, irritation…it’s a part of being in a relationship comprised of two broken people. The tough work of having a relationship that matters is finding ways to bring restoration and for me it is finding ways to be thankful for James by appreciating him, recognizing his efforts, and focusing on who he is rather than who he isn’t. That has caused a paradigm shift for me and the move highlighted it. Often times, I am too quick to focus on what isn’t working and it only makes the situation worse. This does not mean that problems are swept under the rug or issues aren’t addressed. It does mean that conversations and interactions are coming from the perspective of promoting the relationship, appreciating the other before anything else. In promoting the relationship, I work to highlight, accentuate, and enhance character by accepting and nurturing traits, gifts, and talents that are unique to the person. Love is complex and messy and deep and all encompassing. So why not make it a little easier by asking the question does what I am about to do, say, think, or express promote or inhibit relationship?

Thoughts on my Evolving View of Feminism

The world's most beautiful couple started me on today's path!

This morning I woke up with some funny thoughts. I pinpoint the start of these thoughts to reading the newsletter that my friend Sara and her husband sent out this week. But really that newsletter shed light on conversations that I had with Betsy over the past couple of weeks. What I realized is that my view of feminism is shifting. So, before I get into those recent shifts, let me give you the evolution of my thoughts on feminism from birth to age 35, uhhh make that 36.

Birth to about my sophomore year of high school – Oblivious. I didn’t know this was a thing.

Sophomore year until about my sophomore year of college – “All that ‘Girls rule’ stuff is kind of annoying.” (AKA I did not see or understand the heart of feminism.)

Observing some great women like Drs. Holcomb, Kemp, Howard, Keys, etc. I began to see the confident, successful woman that did not draw attention to what she was doing. Observing some great women like Ashley, Ashley and Bethany I began to see younger women wrestling through issues of feminism beyond “Girls Rule” into life application and empowerment of women. This shifted things until I got to seminary.

At seminary I observed several arms of feminism from aggressive, in your face messages, to passive, reserved confidence, from completely over turning power structures, to subversive  culture change, and from women needing to fight for every high power position to women having the right to choose whatever they wish. In other words I saw so many brands of “feminism” I myself had to wrestle with how I viewed things.

Dating changed things for me (obviously). I am a dude’s dude. Men just make more sense to me, so I preferred spending time with male friends. When I started dating Betsy one thing was readily apparent to me – by the terms of worldly success (aka money, prestige, power, rank, etc.) Betsy would be the power partner. Unlike me Betsy has real definitive goals and the drive to achieve certain things like advanced degrees, trainings, publications and such. My goals are more like, “I wanna be happy and love people. How I do that is of little account to me.” So, it was actually quite easy to say, “Betsy…you’re gonna be the high earner. You’re gonna be more successful. And I love that about us. Yeehaw!”

Kev and Steph have also changed my view of feminism.

But over the past few weeks as I have been listening to her there has been a change in some of that drivenness if you will. (P.S. I know drivenness is not a word, but for any of you who have been to seminary or law school, you know that we are taught to make up our own words, so I am just doing what I was instructed to do.) Now, that change was not so much that Betsy became less driven as it was a change in direction. I won’t go into details (because I know Betsy is not as “Hey, I don’t care! I’m an open book. I’ll say just about anything to anyone” as I am), but some of the shifts that are going on in her could appear very anti-feminist in some circles.

Which brings me to my point—to me the heart of feminism can be captured in four words: the empowerment of women. I think there are arms of feminism that believe that anything except extensive, institutional education and the obtainment of high-profile, power positions is just not good enough. To me however, the empowerment of women to choose the path that is best for them is amazing. If a woman chooses to be a stay-at-home mother and is able to work with the finances her significant other brings home to accommodate that, I think that is a success, not a bow of the knee to a patriarchal society that has inlaid values that are foreign to her true nature, so she succumbs to lesser dreams. To me a mother doing what she chooses to do is a better example to her daughters than one who is out to prove a point. My chief evidence of that is one Mrs. Stephanie Fox.

Stephanie and I have been friends for ages by now. She was this amazingly empowered, free-spirited, artistic blur of strength and energy that entered my life freshman year of college. If you had told me in the first year of our friendship that she would one day choose to stay at home and raise kids I would have laughed at you and asked if you needed to be institutionalized.  This woman was the real deal. She was strong; she was beautiful; she was going to blaze her own trail. The reality? She has done all of that by choosing what was true to her nature. And she is not only radically changing the lives of her family and community but parentless children that she and her husband bring into their home.

She uses that creative force, she uses her beauty and strength in ways that are beyond me…and she does it in the walls of her home…by her choice. To me that is the very picture of a true feminism. She COULD be out there shaking things up in corporate America. She COULD be pursuing advanced degrees and running up the corporate ladder, but it would not be true to who she is and where she is headed.

Then there is Sara. Reading her newsletter gave me an education on processes of child development that I never got in class. Her vulnerability in saying, “When I talk with my children these are the things they are going through” and then expounding upon things too foreign for me to grasp was amazing. Although she has advanced formal education, her wisdom of applying those same concepts to her own children, and then turning those observations into teaching points for others is amazing.

Eva Webb...about as strong as a woman can be!

Then there is Eva. Eva and her husband Matt have packed up their kids for a year on the road. During the year they will be continuing their education. Eva worked with the school to develop lessons that will not put her children behind when it comes to school, all the while providing alternative education in the form of introducing them to children who are changing the world in the sciences, arts, humanitarian work and combatting poverty. Her kids will be embracing those things every day. They will be changed because she and Matt had the strength to risk doing things differently.

Then there is my cousin Jodi (there are so many strong women in family that this was a tough choice to choose one!). Jodi knows what she loves. It just so happens to line up with what her husband loves, and a need that America has. So she and Chad own their own businesses. Chad has his own line of weightlifting equipment and is able to capitalize on his experience as an Olympic athlete, which allows Jodi the space to really take hold of their gym as her own project. Over the past few years seeing the emerging businesswoman in her is inspiring.

Finally, there is my Betsy. Betsy is taking stock of her own life right now. Though she has known the path ahead of her for a long time she is realizing that our relationship changes things. Now when I say that, don’t hear I have asked for these changes. Some of them shock even me, but the reality is this – she sees change, she assesses it and then she embraces it. And again, that, along with these other women express to me true forms of feminism. Allowing women the space to become the next Angela Merkel or the next lady you have never heard of. Sure, we have a long way to go in creating space for women to break through certain glass ceilings. But the other thing we have to do is learn to reevaluate success. Success cannot be calculated merely in material ways. Material success only measures a certain portion of who we are, and when we lay women on the cross of that form of success then we crucify them from their own measures of success, which in all honesty are far more important than the ones we place on them.

Thoughts on the awkwardness of living in liminal relationship space

Before I begin, let me say that I ran the idea of Betsy writing on here past her and I think she is down for that! So, maybe in the next few days/weeks you will see something(s) from her. I thank Sara Simons for that particular request…and the rest of you may thank Sara later as Betsy begins to share.

I think last week I made it readily apparent that Betsy and I had packed her life up and moved it across the country. Her things are now settled in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, while her person, at the time of this writing, is in transit to Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she will reside until the time of our pending nuptials. This week was quite interesting for us. I think the best word to describe it was a “liminal” space/time. For those of you unacquainted with the word “liminal,” dictionary.com defines it as - relating to the point (or threshold) beyond which a sensation becomes too faint to be experienced.

That might sound like an odd way to define a week, but I think engagement, by nature, is quite liminal. Two people find themselves in more than a dating relationship and less than a marriage relationship. Questions about finances are just strange. Seeing someone mettle through YOUR things is quite strange. Finding yourself using someone else’s things…again strange. Seeing two lives merge together just before the long-term commitment was both a great preparation and also a bit unnerving at times.

And oh, did I mention my roommate James was right there beside us for this whole jaunt? Yeah. He was. And for the record he took the destruction and reconstruction of the house like a champion. Then again, he goes to The University of Alabama, so he lives the life of a champion every day. #rolltide

Betsy and I found ourselves in really awkward moments all week. I believe it was Sunday that we decided the next step in cleaning the house was to empty my closets to store some of her things that just did not have a home yet. Simple decision…not a simple outcome. Watching Betsy rummage through my things elicited emotional responses I was not ready for. I became on edge without being angry. Have you ever been there? You are thinking in your head, “WHAT ON EARTH IS SHE DOING? Oh…what I asked her to…But why am I watching her like a hawk? Why is this so strange?” So, she left for a moment, I took stock of the emotions and when she returned just said, “Hey. This is really strange.”

Which lead to one of our better conversations. Her response? “Yeah. I think I need to be doing something else. It is weird knowing that is yours and I am making decisions what to do with it.” The truth is that moment could have escalated into one silly argument, but because Betsy and I were both able to sense “something strange” we were able to step back and say, “This is not going to work.” It actually led to a really productive and happy afternoon where we got a lot of things done. In terms of my last post what worked for us was just honest communication. “Hey Betsy, this isn’t working.” “Hey James I know.” “Hey Betsy, why don’t we stop?” “Hey James, why don’t you keep going and I will do other things?” “Hey Betsy that sounds like a good idea.”

In reality, simplifying that conversation down to bare bones makes me realize how many times in my life I recognized this type of tension before and was too passive to do anything about it. Like the time Dr. Tony Martin came over for dinner with Busby, JVW and I. Busby became a kitchen tyrant so I just left instead of addressing what was going on between us. We had quite the awkward dinner whenever things could have been addressed and we could have moved on. Plus, who combines blueberries and bleu cheese and doesn’t call it a blue salad?

I think the issue of boundaries is what makes engagement such a strange thing. There are all sorts of ideas about engagement out there that couples have to address. Questions about sex, money, family, shared assets, rent, utilities, friendship, spare time, etc. loom when it comes to the engagement stage. Are you moving toward shared bank accounts? Does someone REALLY owe someone money when you are about to get married? What are the expectations regarding family time and events during this time? Do you go to everything? Do you skip out on certain things? For certain couples do you ramp up certain physical events or do you hold certain limits? All of these things whisper in the minds of couple, “You are not quite married, but you are sharing space.” It really is pretty fascinating.

Our last evening together ended up being quite interesting and even somewhat followed the plan that we had. We went out for a nice dinner and also spent time addressing wedding invites for Texas and filling out Thank You cards. In addition, we sold a bunch of stuff to a college student named Vlad. Vlad turned out to be a really good dude. We sold him a lot of things for a lot less money than we would have because he is a struggling college kid living on his own for the very first time because all of his roommates bailed and now he has to furnish an entire apartment himself. Why would I mention Vlad in the midst of the liminality of engagement? Because for this brief moment we passed the threshold and experienced making a decision as a couple – let him have all of this; it is better for us to be generous than to haggle. And that decision was not a discussion it was just a look in the eyes and a step toward understanding each other even in the silent moments. And that little act of generosity helped set the tone for the rest of our evening.

That little act also reminded me that in the midst of discovering the “emerging we” it’s not just the oddness that defines this period of life. It is these little things that could easily be discarded or overlooked. Isn’t it so easy to focus on what is not working to the exclusion of what is really beautiful? That little look to each other that communicated, “Let’s help this kid out,” did more for us than we realized or even I initially understood. It set the tone for what “we” were doing and how we were doing it…not just for a Monday night, but for the beginning of our joint life.

Thoughts on an Unconditional Relationship

So, for those of you who have somehow missed it, I got engaged. There is this girlie named Betsy who somehow is crazy enough to try and live a life with me. So, we have progressed through the normal hoops that many relationships go through without the luxury of, you know, time in each other’s physical presence. I know that sounds strange, and perhaps even a little alarming. What it has done for me though, is make me realize that the way relationships work in 2014 is radically different than the way relationships have worked throughout history. Therefore being a little unconventional is not as strange an ordeal as I thought it was in the past.

As much as any author out there tells you they have figured things out, the truth remains there is no proper or standard way that makes relationships work beyond this – you have to know each other. You can figure out love languages, and strengths, and schedules, and families, and strategies, and still find yourself in a terrible relationship. You can also blindly ignore all of those things and somehow end up with an enduring relationship that makes people marvel. (And as a side note – I list those specific things, because they are IMMENSE helps in learning one another and how the other functions and differs from you. Knowing Betsy is a touch person helps me understand that she has different relational needs from me. Knowing that I am an introvert helps Betsy know I am not so much withdrawing from her, as I am recharging because lots of people time can be quite draining for me.) The question is do you know that other person? Do they know you? Only then do you know what you are truly signing up for.

And what I mean by that is not the projected person that you used to reel them into your net, but the deep-down, hidden you that sometimes you don’t even fully recognize yourself. Are you able to bear open who you are, let them behind the curtain and expect the same from the other? In that sense it does not matter if you are marrying for love, in an arranged marriage, had sex before your vows, exchanged purity rings, or have any other specific defining characteristics of marriage. And in that sense it is also a lot of work. But…I am also getting ahead of myself as I am just engaged and not married.

What Betsy and I have is, in my guesstimation, quite untraditional. We have known each other for about 6 years, actually nearly exactly that long since she moved to California around September for school. We both had relationships while we lived in the same state. We navigated and processed those relationships together. We had a heckuvalotta fun together without any of the pressures of dating. And in that sense we got to just be ourselves around one another without any fronts.

I left California; she stayed. Three years passed and then, BOOM! We started dating long distance. Her uncle (GUB is pictured to the right) helped us see each other face-to-face the first time post-dating. It was terribly awkward. I said something like, “I think we are in two different relationships.” She let me know, quite contrarily, “No…this is just as terrible for me as it is for you.” Somehow that made things better. Somehow that let both of us know that what we were dealing with was not the same get-to-know-you adjustments that lots of our friends went through. What we were going through was the oh-I-seem-to-have-missed-these-parts-of-you-when-we-were-just-friends adjustments.

From that first weekend together we instituted weekly Skype dates…with terrible lag times. We had to be a hyper-structured couple, because unlike many of you guys and gals that got to do this thing in person, I couldn’t just stroll over and plop on a couch. We couldn’t just meet at the movie theatre or have her drive down to the beach. We had to be super intentional or we honestly would just not make time for one another. Why? We both had good lives. And as such, we liked what we were already doing.

But what this did for us, or at least for me, was make me a student whenever I was around Betsy. I did not have the benefit of lots of time, so I had to learn as much as I could on the fly in brief, intense weekends. So, we did that in January, March, April, May, July (twice) and August. The more we have spent time together the less I have been forced to be in observation mode, and the more I have been able to be in togetherness mode. I think this is what my buddy Matt Barber (to your left) was trying to say to me when he held my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said, “Be present. Be present. Be present. Be present” over and over again to me. I think he saw the social scientist emerging and not the fiancé.

But the other thing that I learned from having to be so structured and intentional was this – I have to be structured and intentional. Relationships do not always unfold like a flower at sunrise. Sometimes they take a little coaxing. I say awkward things to Betsy like, “Ohh…I think you are trying to communicate to me that you need more affection right now. Though I get your cues, you know what would be helpful…words!” Sure…I am learning the cues, but a girlie reared in Michigan who really bought into SoCal culture speaks a different language than a lad who was raised in Texas and has spent four years in the Deep South. We have to work…and we have to expect to work.

Finally, the last thing that I have learned is this – I have to listen to outside observers. I cannot tell you how encouraging some of your words have been to us throughout this process. Whenever Betsy and I are “in it” sometimes we can lose focus of the things that make this work, because something small like, “What do you mean we aren’t going to share a bathroom” comes up. Just yesterday, two ladies came up to me and said, “I just love the two of you together.” One said that we had “Sympatico” whatever that means; and the other said she just loved the way we can flow off one another. Truth be told, in public I don’t think Betsy and I are at our best. At that party I was engaged in other conversations than she was. And maybe that is part of what they observed. We are comfortable enough at an early stage to not have to be like, “WHERE ARE YOU?!?” (Betsy and I are not always this engaged when at parties) I don’t know. But the fact is so many people have seen things that we just cannot see ourselves. And in the tough moments…it helps to hear those things. Other people can help you define strengths you just can’t see.

I have a feeling this will be part of a lifelong series if I keep writing on this here blog…which I plan to do more often. But for now…tell me about relationships. Tell me what you are learning and have learned at whatever station you are at.

Identity

I am starting to figure out that some days I just wake up angsty and/or philosophical. I don’t know when or why this started, but it has been occurring a little more frequently lately than not. This morning my mind has been tracking down a path I am not too familiar with—the path of identity development.

For some reason the question of my mind this morning has been something along these lines: How did the high school version of myself become the person I am today? It sometimes seems the person I’ve become bares little resemblance to that particular version of myself. Which calls to question, was I ever that perceived version, or is it some mirage I cling to, to make myself mourn something that never really existed?

Before we go any further my friends, let me say this: this is not a call for attention like, “Hey look, I am going through crisis,” or “Oh, woe is me, I have lost my identity and the only way to gain it back is to move back to my hometown and reestablish everything about my former life.” What this is instead is trying to put to words what I think many of my friends and family are going through/have gone through.

I think there just comes a place and time where one day we wake up and discover we are a bit emotionally detached. I assume it is pretty universal. There are enough movies about it, and heck even concept albums and songs. Some people recognize what they are going through, some people can simply identify that something isn’t right, and they don’t know what to do about it. I think I lay somewhere between those two camps.

I can tell you right now that I wonder how the sweet, compassionate kid of 16 became a man who is nearly entirely impossible to please. Sure, outwardly not a lot has changed. I still speak kindly and train myself to be courteous to everyone. I force myself to remain empathetic, but I find it harder by the year to naturally be kind. But it is a struggle well worth fighting for. Kindness. Kindness. Kindness.

Kindness is lacking today. In a world that has grown accustomed to spouting off the first thing that comes to mind we have become judges and critics that look for the right to freely express themselves. Now, for those of you raising the alarm in fear that I am going to denounce that freedom of expression is important, hold your pretty hats. We do need these outlets of expression, but my observation about that is this: freedom of expression has become less about self-discovery and expression, and more about permission to rail and critique anything that we aren’t pleased with.

Think about advertising lately. There have been a couple that have really bothered me lately. The reason? The premise of the entire campaign was product shaming. I think particularly about the one that bashes iPads and another one that does the same with some luxury car. Now if you notice, I didn’t mention the products…because I can’t recall what they are. I namely recall that they were bashing Apple and a competitor. I can’t tell you a single positive thing about the product because I can’t even tell you the name of it.

Those types of advertising feed into the way I approach my life. When people ask how I am, more often than not I express some displeasure in something. I don’t focus on how great it was to work from Atlanta for part of a week; I focus on getting stuck in the Snowpocalypse. I don’t tell someone about an artistic pursuit I am currently undertaking; I tell them about a relational woe that I am going through. And folks…that’s just not who I remember 16-year-old James being.

I remember that dude being insecure, but to overcome that he tried too hard to do things that would impress people instead of focusing on the negative things around him. When things weren’t going well he put forth a little effort to make them better instead of finding ways to explain away deficiency.

All of that said, what I am missing is the segue. What took place to change me? I often think about character transformation as evolution. Much like successful species, those who successfully acclimate to today’s culture are those that evolve; they change with each new presentation of society’s standards.

But this morning, I wondered if that is an inadequate metaphor or description. Maybe what I have gone through is a series of little deaths and rebirths. That would account for the distance between myself now and a kid who upon finding out he inadvertently hurt Leslie Bizzell’s feelings went out of his way to let her know he never intended for that to happen, a kid who changed seats on the bus so he could have that moment with her.

The problem, again, is not who I have become. Honestly, there are facets of myself I like way more than that younger version of myself. But there are parts that I hang onto, and I wonder if I should. In the process of becoming the 35-year-old version of myself things obviously had to change. That is the nature of the beast. But here comes the turn.

What I find myself doing today is mourning a version of myself that I don’t know exists outside nostalgia. It reminds me of Zach Braff’s Garden State. He says something along this line: Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. And I think the same idea rolls over to identity. I wonder if development of character can be seen along the same lines. Maybe the things that we miss about ourselves are fiction…and that fiction keeps us from being able to accept who we are. Maybe critiquing the fire out of ourselves is our way of maintaining a beautiful existence that never actually played itself out. Maybe we just don’t know how to accept ourselves as we are, and these little games we play remind of us when we were a good person, because we don’t think we are anymore.

I don’t really have the answers, but I know this: I like parts of who I am today, and I don’t like parts of who I am. I also know this: there are things I miss about my remembered self, and parts I would never want to live through again. But as Albus Dumbledore once said: It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that.

So, in other words…maybe I should get out of my head and onto living my life.

Uncle Leslie

Words seem woefully inadequate to describe a man who lived his life in the actions of love. How do you tell with your lips what you have felt in an embrace, a smile, a helping hand or a friendly word? But in moments like this, we rely on words to somehow capture what we experience in our relationships. So, here are a few of my words about Leslie Taylor.

On Christmas Eve I called Uncle Leslie and asked him if he wanted to grab coffee with me. He said he didn’t drink “that stuff,” but I should stop by and see him. I drove into town, grabbed my coffee, came back and sat down with him. It took me a while to pick up that he was getting ready for his kids and grandkids to come by for Christmas festivities. But Les was always like that; he was always welcoming. Whoever you were, you were certainly not an inconvenience. We talked for a while, but more than the words I remember looking into and at his face. I don’t know why. That is not a normal thing for me. I don’t typically notice the contours and lines of people’s faces, but as we talked, I noticed things I hadn’t really seen before.

A day or two later I went to see my cousin Emily, to get her to cut my hair. One of the first things she said to me was, “Wow! You are starting to look a lot like the Taylor men.” I shared with her my experience of looking at Les’ face. When I looked in his face I saw things I had forgotten, I saw people who have been gone for a while, namely my grandfather. I think losing someone like your grandfather at a youngish age you don’t take notice of things like what he looked like. He simply was. I remember him being tall. I remember that he kissed me every time he saw me. I remember that he farmed and ran a gas station/automotive shop, but I could not remember something as simple as what his face looked like. I have these vague pictures of what I seem to recall him looking like, but Christmas Eve with Les I remembered. I saw his face like I haven’t been able to do in quite some time, it was right there in those lines on Les’ face.

I was reading yesterday and came across something I have read many times over, but never jumped out at me like it did in that sitting. I found it appropriate to share this morning. Psalm 17:15 says:

As for me, I shall behold Your face in righteousness;

I will be satisfied with Your likeness when I awake.

I think when Uncle Les awoke to the face of God there were these vague recollections of something. He knew he recognized something familiar, but as Paul so cleverly penned, until that moment he had only seen through a glass rather dimly, but now he sees face-to-face. If I were to venture a guess that recognition gave way to understanding of a love that until now he could never fully comprehend; that which still holds deep mystery for you and me, is now his ever-living reality. The veil has been lifted, the glass has been removed and Uncle Leslie has seen the One who has whispered his name his whole life.

As I thought about Uncle Les and how I remember him several thoughts came to mind, but on Wednesday night as I spent time with family four characteristics in particular seemed best to share today. First, is he was so welcoming, and Sandy amidst everything she is going through continued that. She invited us into her home. She welcomed people in the midst of the chaos of everything going on around her just as Leslie did.

And then I thought about his determination as I looked in Tina’s face. Leslie accomplished whatever he set about doing. Tina is the same way. She is a fighter and will make a way even where there is no way just like her father did. There is not one thing that will slow her down when she determines what needs to be done.

And then I thought about how Leslie approached and viewed people. As I stood in the kitchen with Alan and heard about the way he engaged workers that he supervised I saw Uncle Les. Like Les, Alan accepts people as they are, not as they should be or even the way he would like them to be. He simply accepts you as you are in this moment.

And finally I thought about a trait that is often overlooked in today’s culture…kindness. Uncle Les has always been exceedingly kind. And whenever you see Mark with Parker and Bradyn you see that same kind look in his eyes that you saw in his father’s. I always remembered Mark being a sweet and sensitive kid, and seeing that turn into his father’s kindness is such an amazing legacy.

As I wrap up my part of the morning, I want to share a Scripture that immediately came to mind when I heard I would get to share. The Psalms have become a refuge for me in the past few years and this Psalm particularly always catches my attention because of a sentiment that we don’t think about often. Psalm 116:15 says, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones.” We often talk about God comforting us in our grief. I think we sometimes limit God to that action in regards to the one’s who are left behind, but here in this Psalm we are reminded that God continues to love us through the transition of our passing. He abides with us as the end of our earthly days becomes the first of our heavenly ones, because even in death we are precious to Him.

Though I can’t begin to imagine what it looks like, or how it happens, I believe there exists this moment between God and His saints of dim recognition becoming clear reality. The God that Leslie sought all of His life cares enough to take notice of His passing and seeks him in return, or as Eugene Peterson translated this same Scripture:

When they arrive at the gates of death,
    God welcomes those who love him.

And He has and that gives me great peace.

Let us pray:

Harry Potter and Advent

So, I think there is a character more important symbolically than Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore or Voldemort in the Harry Potter series. So, you may be wracking your brain with thoughts of Cedric, Lupin, Sirius Black, Dobby, Hagrid or many other characters. To which I would say, “Good job…your HP knowledge is pretty awesome.” I think those of you who know me best would probably assume it has to be Neville Longbottom. But, though Neville is my favorite character in all of the series, I am actually referring to Fawkes. Fawkes is central to the relationship of Dumbledore and Voldemort, Dumbledore and Harry and ultimately Voldemort and Harry. How so? Most of you know, but Dumbledore owned Fawkes, who gave two feathers for wands, one being owned by Voldemort, the other by Harry. Ollivander says this in the very first book when Harry buys his wand. As a side note Ollivander is probably the creepiest character in the entire series. Others may be more slimy or inconsistent or evil, but none as creepy; well maybe Barty Crouch, Jr. could give him a run for his money.

Neville? Is that you buddy?

But here’s the deal with Fawkes being the symbol of the series (in my eyes) – Harry Potter is ultimately not about magic…it’s about life and death. I think The Deathly Hallows makes that clear. So the opposite of Fawkes would be not just Nagini, but all the horcruxes. When you juxtapose Fawkes and horcruxes here is what I think Harry Potter is all about – death, true life and hope in true resurrection versus fighting to maintain every bit of life you can in this life. That sounds like more of an Easter message, but here is how I see it in terms of Advent.

Fawkes is a phoenix. Phoenixes are known for several things, chief among them, they burst into flames and are reborn amongst the ashes. Again, great Easter message James, but we’re talking Advent and you said don’t crucify baby Jesus the other day on Facebook. True, but like Fawkes, Jesus’ entry into the world was the end of something and the beginning of something new. Depending on your understanding of two things—God in the Garden and Melchizedek—Jesus’ birth was the first time God took on flesh. It was the first time that Christians would say God incarnated in the world. Before this God came in Spirit or in voice or sent heavenly beings to speak in His stead.

For Jesus then, this was a rebirth. Gone were the days of being entirely God. Woah, James. Watch your heresy there bud. I know, it toes a thin line, but what I mean and am trying to communicate is that Jesus experienced being human for the first time…not that He become less than God. Jesus experienced the limitations of flesh (think His temptations in the desert or even His death on the cross), Jesus felt all sorts of crazy irrational emotions (think the Scripture that said Jesus experienced all things common to man). In other words, Jesus’ experience was completely new, because he had this thing we call flesh added to what He was in spirit. Gone up in flames were the days of divinity alone. Again…not trying to be heretical or limit the power of Jesus. Just communicating that Jesus now could fully empathize with humanity because He experienced life from their vantage, okay? Good. Now please don’t report me to the council that decides I could be burned at the stake for heresy after you finish this. Still maintain as the Church has for a long time – fully God, fully man.

Many people may not realize this, chief amongst them Protestants and Evangelicals, but Advent starts the calendar year. So, this year, the Church calendar started December 1. That is opposed to January 1 or approximately August 15, or July 1 or April 16 or many of the other calendar years that we mark as the start of some kind of calendar. What we celebrate in the Advent is the start of new things. To carry on the symbol, the phoenix burst into flames on November 30, and was reborn in the wee hours of the morning December 1. Advent is celebration of new life, not from the perspective of resurrection, which is of ultimate importance to our faith, but from incarnation.

As I watched the first 5 HP movies the last few days (and would have finished 6-8 had I not leant them to a friend) I started noting the importance of Fawkes. I think Fawkes subconsciously leads the way for Harry to give up his life at the end of the book. I find it akin to one of those moments that we observe someone who doesn’t know we are watching them. For instance one time when I saw my neighbor Chandler playing in the back yard with his kids. He was just doing his thing, not thinking anything about who was watching. He was just loving on his kids, and it taught me a little bit about how God cares for us…His kids. Or like the time in high school where Mr. Futrell caught me telling a lie. He didn’t get up in my face at the time. He let it slide. Then at a teachable moment he confronted me, not with accusation, but with the truth of, “When I hear you lie, how I can trust you are telling me the truth later.” That was more powerful than yelling, “You liar” in the moment. And those observations were a bit more subconscious than they were lessons taught in a classroom. They weren’t important in the moment, but after something else triggered the lesson later in life.

Somehow my little Thanksgiving marathon of Harry Potter stirred my heart for the upcoming Advent season. It helped me see that opposed to fighting to make every moment matter in this life, and worrying that it won’t, I can instead fully live into the moment I am in now. That doesn’t mean every moment has to be a crazy adventure like climbing Mt. Everest, it just means that having coffee with a friend is the moment it should be. I’m not wasting my life with that cuppa joe…that is my life. It helps me to remember that every moment is new birth. At the end of my days I want to be in loving reminiscence or even still seeking new adventures as opposed to regretting what I missed. Fawkes shows me a bit about incarnation, and sure, a lot more about resurrection. But as we celebrate the incarnation, remember that December 1 your life began anew. You are already emerging out of the flames into new experience and new life. And as Bob Goff writes over and over…live that new life whimsically.