And what I mean by that is not the projected person that you
used to reel them into your net, but the deep-down, hidden you that sometimes
you don’t even fully recognize yourself. Are you able to bear open who you are,
let them behind the curtain and expect the same from the other? In that sense
it does not matter if you are marrying for love, in an arranged marriage, had
sex before your vows, exchanged purity rings, or have any other specific defining
characteristics of marriage. And in that sense it is also a lot of work. But…I
am also getting ahead of myself as I am just engaged and not married.
What Betsy and I have is, in my guesstimation, quite
untraditional. We have known each other for about 6 years, actually nearly exactly
that long since she moved to California around September for school. We both
had relationships while we lived in the same state. We navigated and processed
those relationships together. We had a heckuvalotta fun together without any of
the pressures of dating. And in that sense we got to just be ourselves around
one another without any fronts.
I left California; she stayed. Three years passed and then,
BOOM! We started dating long distance. Her uncle (GUB is pictured to the right) helped us see each other
face-to-face the first time post-dating. It was terribly awkward. I said
something like, “I think we are in two different relationships.” She let me
know, quite contrarily, “No…this is just as terrible for me as it is for you.”
Somehow that made things better. Somehow that let both of us know that what we
were dealing with was not the same get-to-know-you adjustments that lots of our
friends went through. What we were going through was the
oh-I-seem-to-have-missed-these-parts-of-you-when-we-were-just-friends
adjustments.
From that first weekend together we instituted weekly Skype
dates…with terrible lag times. We had to be a hyper-structured couple, because
unlike many of you guys and gals that got to do this thing in person, I couldn’t
just stroll over and plop on a couch. We couldn’t just meet at the movie
theatre or have her drive down to the beach. We had to be super intentional or
we honestly would just not make time for one another. Why? We both had good
lives. And as such, we liked what we were already doing.
But what this did for us, or at least for me, was make me a
student whenever I was around Betsy. I did not have the benefit of lots of
time, so I had to learn as much as I could on the fly in brief, intense
weekends. So, we did that in January, March, April, May, July (twice) and
August. The more we have spent time together the less I have been forced to be
in observation mode, and the more I have been able to be in togetherness mode.
I think this is what my buddy Matt Barber (to your left) was trying to say to me when he held
my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said, “Be present. Be present. Be
present. Be present” over and over again to me. I think he saw the social
scientist emerging and not the fiancé.
But the other thing that I learned from having to be so structured
and intentional was this – I have to be structured and intentional.
Relationships do not always unfold like a flower at sunrise. Sometimes they
take a little coaxing. I say awkward things to Betsy like, “Ohh…I think you are
trying to communicate to me that you need more affection right now. Though I
get your cues, you know what would be helpful…words!” Sure…I am learning the
cues, but a girlie reared in Michigan who really bought into SoCal culture
speaks a different language than a lad who was raised in Texas and has spent
four years in the Deep South. We have to work…and we have to expect to work.
Finally, the last thing that I have learned is this – I have
to listen to outside observers. I cannot tell you how encouraging some of your
words have been to us throughout this process. Whenever Betsy and I are “in it”
sometimes we can lose focus of the things that make this work, because
something small like, “What do you mean we aren’t going to share a bathroom”
comes up. Just yesterday, two ladies came up to me and said, “I just love the
two of you together.” One said that we had “Sympatico” whatever that means; and
the other said she just loved the way we can flow off one another. Truth be
told, in public I don’t think Betsy and I are at our best. At that party I was
engaged in other conversations than she was. And maybe that is part of what
they observed. We are comfortable enough at an early stage to not have to be
like, “WHERE ARE YOU?!?” (Betsy and I are not always this engaged when at parties) I don’t know. But the fact is so many people have seen
things that we just cannot see ourselves. And in the tough moments…it helps to
hear those things. Other people can help you define strengths you just can’t
see.
I have a feeling this will be part of a lifelong series if I
keep writing on this here blog…which I plan to do more often. But for now…tell
me about relationships. Tell me what you are learning and have learned at
whatever station you are at.
No comments:
Post a Comment