Thoughts on Interior Dialogue

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. - Mark Twain

 

 

 

 

 

I am in the process of introducing a young fellow to meditating. I am also learning more about meditation myself and in a book I am reading, Into the Silent Land by Martin Laird, this quote opens a chapter. I was showing this guy the book and that was the first thing he read. He immediately looks at me and says, “I have no idea what’s going on.” I, without the context of this being a Mark Twain quote, try to explain about what Laird calls inner videos. Laird describes a process most of us live through on the daily where we play a scenario back through our head of what happened. Then we add our commentary on things…then we add the motivation of the other person…then we add our response…then we add and we add and we add until there is this entire imaginary commentary on an event that maybe occurred over the course of three minutes, but we just mulled over for about 73 hours.

Fast forward to lunch with a buddy this week. We are talking about some things I am currently dealing with, and no…I’m not going to share them. These are some inner-James issues that reflect the videos I just talked about. So, no…no one REALLY hurt me, no one intentionally was jerky, but because I allowed some of these inner videos to play in my head, I allowed this space of pain…so, no need to drag someone’s name through the mud here. But…as I was saying, we were talking about some of my struggles and he related back to a similar situation and said something I found quite profound: “Sometimes I lose track of which conversations I really had with (said person) and which ones I had in my head.” That is a pretty great discovery. We sometimes get so caught up in our mind that we forget and confuse reality from the fiction we have written.



I was surprised by how positive being your own hero is on the web.

And the problems grow from there. For instance, how many times have we sat by a phone waiting for someone to call and apologize for an offense that person never knew they committed? Think about it. How many times have you avoided a person and they simply asked where you have been, because they were so preoccupied with, you know, living their life that they never noticed you were intentionally avoiding them. The problem is explained well by my pastor Jon who frequently reminds people, “Everyone is the hero of their own story,” or as your mom or dad probably told you more than once: “You are not the center of the universe.”

But truth be told, as much as we acknowledge that with our mindgrapes, we don’t let the truth submerge to the heart. And so our emotions are screaming, “Why haven’t they noticed?” whenever someone has wronged us. It is much easier for someone to admit their wrongdoing when they know they have done something wrong. That may be the most obvious statement in the world, yet we live in such a way that we expect people to read our minds. We expect people to figure out what is wrong.

It reminds me of a typical fight we see played out on movie or tv screens:

Husband: Is something wrong?

Wife: No.
Husband: Are you sure? You seem upset.
Wife: You’re quite observant…NOW!
Husband: What did I do wrong?
Wife: Well if I have to tell you then you really don’t deserve to know.
Husband: Was it the trash? Did I forget a kid at a school? Really I don’t know.
Wife: Well I’m not telling you. Figure it out.

This isn’t a diatribe against women…really there are plenty of irrational people no matter their gender (and since this is 2013…their non-gender?). But it is quite telling of how many of us live our lives. In this scenario the wife has built up this entire story of how her husband has wronged her. It may have started as something as simple as the husband saying he would pick up something from the store and he forgot. It may be that he forgot an anniversary. But whatever the starting point, what has happened to this woman is the downward spiral of inner dialogues that the husband was never privy to. He doesn’t know what he did, he doesn’t know the conversations that have taken place for hours upon hours inside his wife’s mind…but she expects him to. (And just to reiterate…plenty of crazies across all genders!)

And so that brings us to the turn. What is to be learned from this? There is no reality in the inner dialogues that we have. Nothing is solved. They actually make things worse…but we continue to have them. These conversations are pure fiction in a biographical world. I have recently made this critique of myself: I have just enough understanding of psychology and counseling to be helpful in a pinch, but not enough to really help myself in the day-to-day. I know when I am being irrational. But at times I can’t stop myself going down that road. I want to, but I just get overwhelmed. I feel like my irrational thoughts are a Mac Truck running down the highway of my soul. It seems like to stop them would wreck me. And what that means is…I’m scared to stop them. The truth is…they don’t hold that kind of power. I just allow them to.

We have within us, Christians or not, the power to prevent and stop inner dialogues or videos. Some of it is actually quite simple. For example, “I am really quite miffed at so and so. Instead of lingering on it I could work out, hang out with a friend, cook dinner, go out to dinner, watch a movie, read a book, mow the lawn, rake the leaves, shovel the snow, paint my toe nails, paint my dog’s toe nails, stalk the cat, stare at my gold fish. I really have a lot of options here.” As a Christian we have a lot more options too. We just have to learn that the fictions we write about our actual life are not an open reality for others to access. We cannot expect and demand for other people to understand all the chaos going on inside us.

So…let’s try to stop that Mac truck. Let’s never let it build up momentum. Let’s actually live our lives in such a way that the videos don’t taint reality. There is not a single one of us who can answer for conversations they never knew they had…so why should we demand it of them.

Why I Hate Testimonies

If you’ve read my blog before you may have noticed something. Well, hopefully you noticed a few things, but one of those being that I poke fun at Baptists from time-to-time. So, I wanted to clarify that my intent at poking fun of Baptists is twofold: first, it’s where I came from; second, most of you are probably Baptist, or have some kind of Baptist background, and I like poking fun of my friends in a teasing kind of way. In other words, since I am from Texas, I can make fun of some Texantricities, but you out-of-staters better watch your back! And the way I pick at Baptists isn’t the strip them down naked and embarrass them kind of thing, it’s the, “C’mon, you know this, I know this, we both find it kind of funny,” kind of thing.

Yeah...this is the kind of thing that I am talking about.

So, that said, let me pick on one of the worst parts of being Baptist—testimonies. Man, I hated testimony time growing up. Say what you will about sharing your testimony in a small group, at church camp or the first week at BSM in college, testimony time was just unbearable for me. And here’s why: we all sound the same…and we are using a formula to share certain things about ourselves. In some ways it is quite efficient, in some ways it is like indecent exposure. You think to yourself, “Okay, this is guys group. That means I need to confess lust, pretend I don’t struggle with it anymore. Mention a story of how I overcame it, and encourage that brother across from me that he will be free someday…like I wish I was…oops, make sure not to say that last part out loud.” Or, if I am in a co-ed BSM group getting to know you setting, I say something like, “Well, I was raised in the church, but I had this experience in summer camp my sophomore year where I understood God was real. And I remember I cried and raised my hands. It was so good. But recently, I have been struggling with my quiet times (true!). I’m only getting like two hours a day (untrue, I actually know that my last quiet time was March 24^th, 1976), and I know the Lord is calling me to more (again, true), because there is so much more for me.”

That was why I hated testimony day. It’s not that I hated the principle behind it, or wanted to reject Scripture concerning the power of the word of our testimonies. It’s just that testimonies have become, how do I say this, more about us than about Jesus in us. Our testimonies have become vaingloriousness instead of the in-breaking of the Kingdom of God into real life. Look at the testimony I shared. “…Mention a story of how ‘I’ overcame it…” That is really what we have replaced things with. We often add a phrase like, “And God helped (showed) me,” or “And then I prayed, and I guess God just…” to cover it up, but really the stories are about how we have overcome things on our own, and shared in a specific preapproved formula.

Yeah...we've all sat in this circle before.

And here’s the deal. That is real life. And that is important. But when our testimony boils down to a rote formula where we plug in the details, we aren’t really sharing our story. We aren’t really testifying what God has done in us…what we have lived. So, in other words we are using a bunch of words that do not communicate the reality of our existence and experience in relation to the actual spiritual journey that we are in and have been through.

It would be akin to going to therapy (or counseling for you good Southern folk, since therapy sounds so scary!) and only sharing the generalized concerns of humankind. Sure, that is a good thing. But you came to therapy for you. You came to get help with your ish (issues for those of you older than 50). By sharing the generalized, “Well, the economy is bad, and a lot of people have to choose between bread and health care,” is a good thought, but it doesn’t address, “But the reason I was sent here is I am a rage-aholic who yells at my kids, ran someone off the road and my wife no longer feels safe around me. Also, I have been binge drinking for two years because of the stresses of work, but can’t tell anyone, because I am a Baptist deacon, and no one can know because it would bring public shame and scorn.” See. Our testimony loses its power, because of formula. And it can separate us from what we really desire, and more importantly…really need.

But there is hope for change. If you have been around me long you probably here me ask: What’s your story? That’s what I say instead of testimony. It’s basically the same thing, but it loses a lot of the baggage and says, “Forget the formula…share what you want to share, don’t share what you don’t.” And the truth is for me it recaptures the intention of what we are after in the first place. We come to a place of understanding who this beautiful stranger in front of us really is, not a list of “appropriate to share sins” that are on a checklist. It also lets me gauge and understand what to share with this person versus that person.

Henri Nouwen talks about the allure of revealing yourself little by little…of maintaining a mystery about you instead of vomiting your life story in the first sitting. For instance, my friend John Moore knows a lot more about me than my friend Jon Quitt. John and I have lived more life together. We have lived more intentional life together. As such, I have shared things with John that I have not with Jon. But, there are certain things of my heart that I have shared with Jon that John still does not know because they are relative to the relationship. And that is the importance of destroying the formula. It allows you the space to be who you are, be safe in the relationship and experience the grace of God as it is today in your life. It is the true testimony of you and me and God today…not a sin confessed 46 times since 1943, because that was expected during testimony time.

So, what’s your story? Where is God intervening today? Where do you need help now? What are the actual significant markers that changed you…not just the ones that make the best story? Those are the things that I want to know. Those are the things that in sharing can change hearts…and reveal who you are and what God is doing. And those are the things that really have the power to change lives. So, next time testimony hour comes about, throw people for a loop. Tell your story. It might be awkward at first, but I bet, can almost guarantee you that it will change the dynamics and may help you make a new friend. And if you’re first, may allow people space to be their genuine selves.

Thoughts on Theology

Everyone is a theologian. - Stanley Grenz

I remember sitting in the Alcove with my buddy Jon. We were talking shop and suddenly turned to theology. And somehow, while enjoy a Young's Double Chocolate Stout, the conversation came to a point where I pulled from the recesses of seminary education this nugget from Grenz. If memory does not forsake me, Chris Spinks had us start my first seminary course with that quote. As a recovering Baptist, I had some initial reactions against the statement, but was easily converted.

So, let's start with the basic breakdown of theology, and why you are a theologian, and so is that nursing mom that makes you uncomfortable at a restaurant, and the university kid that decides it is congruent to both love Jesus and smoke pot.

Theology - from the Greek. Two words: logos & theos. Logos - words. Theos - God. Words about God. Smooth that translation, modernize it a little bit and what we have is our "thoughts about God." See. You are a theologian, whether you have those little letters by your name that say so or not.

What most of us do on the day-to-day is what I like to call living theology. What is most obvious are ideas and thoughts like going to church, abstaining from sin, repentance, quiet times, etc. What is less obvious are decisions like inviting people to dinner, health care, purchasing power, etc. In other words those hundreds of little decisions we make on the daily that impact our lives, but we think of as just tasks, or...life. But those decisions are based on theological suppositions and reveal our ideas and beliefs about God and the Church.

For some reason, as I thought about writing this particular post I was reminded of a family back home. They have a few children and when the first boy arrived they decided not to have him circumcised. Now, what is seemingly a health decision, one that is also so common place where I grew up, that it takes on theological implications. A lot of Christians (like most Jew and Muslims) circumcise their kids. It's just part and parcel to the whole Judeo-Christian-Muslim thing apparently. Because generalized monotheistic tendencies (particularly Christianity) influenced society, a lot of dudes have had their foreskins removed.

This particular family took time to examine why they were going to have their son go through this particular procedure. They are, like myself, on the Charismatic side of the Church, understand covenant theology and the symbolism and identification of being marked with circumcision. Ultimately, they decided to break rank with a lot of society and I would say that marks a change in their theology. They decided that their faith was not demonstrated in circumcision, but rather a lack of circumcision. I do not know the full process of their thoughts, but understand the outcome of their theology.

Another story I am reminded of is that of a high school friend. This particular friend and I never had any "God talks." I think if we had, I would have tried to beat some Jesus into him, because at that time that was how I did evangelism. I just tried to beat people into submission. That reflected my theology at the time. But more importantly it also indicates something we religious people don't think about...atheists are doing theology. They have thoughts on God. Now that thought is "there is no God," but even in that, they are engaging in some of the same internal struggles and dialogues as we are.

As for me, when I think of theology, I still think about men and women such as N.T. Wright, Miroslav Volf and Marianne Meye Thompson. What I mean is, I still go back to the theology of the institution. There is something at work in me that assumes that something about what I picked up at Fuller is better than what I picked up outside of Fuller. To be fair, when you go to a "theological seminary," theology is probably on your mind. But, a recent post by Tony Jones is what started me thinking in terms of theology now.

Without going into the whole argument of racism, I want to pull a quote from the blog: "In my remarks, I spoke honestly about my view of Pentecostal theology, and how I do not think that it’s the best theology out there." That is what is relevant from the Jones article in relationship to this post. I spoke about deferring to institutional theology earlier. What Jones is saying (and I agree with) is there is not just good and bad theology, or even more concrete, correct and incorrect theology. There is instead this gamut of theology that runs from beautiful and amazing to, I guess, harmful and destructive.

And so, I have to thank Jones for reminding me of thoughts from across a lot of the Church -- Pentecostal/Charismatic theology is not highly regarded. These are not Jones' words. This is my interpretation of a multitude of experiences, across a wide variety of occasions. And the reason for writing a vague post on theology is this. Sometime soon, I plan to look at Charismatic theology. Now, it is assumed that Charismatics and Pentecostals share theology, but I don't presume as much. Much of my experience in the Charismatic Church was much more controlled than that of many Pentecostals, and in all honesty the brief time I spent in the Pentecostal Church was not very comfortable.

 

(I have no idea why this picture came up in a

search for "Pentecostal, but it humored me.)

So, sports fans, I just want to start a conversation about the validity, and to some of you snarkier individuals, existence of a Charismatic theology. Will I get into every aspect of theology? No. Am I an authoritative spokesman for Charismatics everywhere? Far from it. What I however hope to provide is a basic understanding of praxis inside parts of the Charismatic movement that I have been involved in. I want to explore why it is we have come to believe what we believe. Because that understanding can then be judged in its proper context and evaluated alongside Catholic theology, Baptist theology, etc.